fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
