you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just high enough for therapy.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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