i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
