Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
not ubering you a puppy
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
