She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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