My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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