this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
