So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
