Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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