I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
