bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
