we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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