I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
