Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize