Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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