You can't special order awesome
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
