I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
