How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
