someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
