K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
