I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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