I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
