Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Nobody cheats on THIS.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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