So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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