my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
