I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I love having hate sex.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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