You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
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