I faked an abortion last night.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
A+ Viking dick
Randomize
