4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
