69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
and i looked up. we had an audience...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize