i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
