My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
