Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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