I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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