nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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