Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
