I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
