I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
