He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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