He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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