im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
