I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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