she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
