He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
