Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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