oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
A bitchslap is in order.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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