Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
