I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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