I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
