The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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