I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
