Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
