Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
