My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
