I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
