i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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