he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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