swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
