i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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