you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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