I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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