Well apparently he's into motor boating.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
