So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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