I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
