You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize